Well, this pregnancy took an interesting turn a few days ago...
What started out as a perfect, textbook pregnancy with only a bit of mental junk (PgAL brain) going on, suddenly changed on Sunday morning, January 4th. I woke up a bit later than normal, as both of us had amazingly slept in until 8am, and went to the bathroom. I then saw a few spots of dark blood and one spot of bright red blood in my pantyliner and started to freak out. In the toilet there was a pretty substantial amount, maybe enough to fill a maxi pad. The flashbacks from bleeding uncontrollably during my last pregnancy were playing through my mind as I tried to breathe and calm down while James was walking the dog. When he came inside I called for him to come quick and said we needed to go to the hospital.
After our past experiences of a long wait in L&D, I packed a few things just in case we'd be staying all day, like my glasses, phone charger, my water bottle, and a couple of snacks.
Of course the girl checking us in was in training, so I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair thoroughly freaking out and wondering if I had bled much on the 20 minute drive to the hospital for a long time, but we finally got checked in and sent back to a bed to wait to be examined. Luckily when I changed into the hospital gown, there was no "new" blood, only "old" blood. After a while, an ultrasound tech came in and did a very thorough ultrasound. Of course, I couldn't see the screen, so I was wondering for the next hour until we heard the results. The nurse finally came in and told us that the radiologist read the ultrasound and said that it looks like my placenta may be separating again (remember, last time I had a placental abruption). Obviously, this was NOT the news I wanted to hear and I immediately thought of the worst case scenario, only taking comfort in the fact that we were past "v-day" and the baby has a chance this time. Because of this, they were admitting me, and immediately transferred me to a room.
A whole bunch of tears later, the on-call doctor called us and told me not to worry, and that we will have a perinatologist come in the next day to do a better ultrasound. She said not to trust what the radiologist said 100% because sometimes they don't read these types of issues correctly, so I was holding onto hope from that.
On Monday, the perinatologist came by on her lunch break so we wouldn't have to wait until 5:30 like they had told us, which I appreciated. She was very positive and said that we'd take a look first at the baby and the placenta, and then the cervix, and if everything looked good I might be able to go home after 48 hours assuming there was no new blood or contractions.
The first part of the ultrasound was great, baby looks awesome, and he's measuring a full week ahead (which doesn't mean much in terms of how he'd do outside the womb, but I feel more comfortable knowing he's a little less fragile than if he was measuring on time) so that means that the placenta is doing its job and nourishing him like it's supposed to. He has a good amount of fluid, and his heart and bones look good as well. The placenta had a couple of dark spots on it, which the doctor thinks the radiologist may have thought were separations, when really they're most likely vascular pools, and apparently nothing to worry about. She did see one spot on the edge of the placenta that looked like a small separation, and could very well be where the blood had come from, but she was still positive and thinking I could go home after 48 hours if there weren't any complications.
But then she did the vaginal ultrasound (which I fondly call the dildocam), and her demeanor changed. I've gotten really good at reading ultrasounds during these pregnancies, so I can most of the time figure out what they are looking at, and I've had enough didocam ultrasounds to usually be able to point out my cervix, but I honestly could not see it. That's because it is down from its normal 4 centimeters to only about 9mm. That is EXTREMELY short. Thankfully I haven't had contractions, because it probably wouldn't take very long to dilate that thin little cervix...
Anyway, after that news, we decided that because the baby has a much higher survival rate with no longterm complications at 28 weeks, that's our first goal to get to, so I will be on hospital bed rest until 28 weeks, which falls on January 21st, and then we will reevaluate. Luckily I can still get up to go to the bathroom and shower, and because I didn't have anything bad happen in the first 48 hours, I don't have to wear the monitors all the time anymore. Instead, I have NSTs (non-stress tests), which monitor his heartbeat on one belly monitor, and my uterus (to make sure there's no contractions) on another belly monitor for about a half an hour twice a day. I actually really like the NSTs because he usually wakes up and tries to kick the monitors off, which is fun to hear.
So 5 days down, 13 to go (hopefully that number doesn't mean anything - 13 hasn't been good to me lately!) and then hopefully I can go home to be on bed rest there. I miss Liza soooooooo much and I miss my comfy bed. But until the baby has a better chance of being complication-free, I do prefer to be here where the doctors can help me as soon as possible.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
25 week update
I meant to start doing updates like this early on, but oh well ;)
How far along? 25 weeks (and 2 days, technically)
Total weight gain? So I have finally gained some weight after losing 4-5 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy. Now I'm officially up almost 3.
Sleep? My snoogle (pregnancy pillow) is still my best friend. And I discovered a small squishy pillow I had at my parents' house when we were there for Christmas, which fits perfectly under my bump and since it's filled with little pellet type things, they shift to perfectly support the bump. It's a keeper!
Movement? Lots! Baby's definitely moving around and practicing breathing, which gives him hiccups almost every day. Such cool feelings. Over the past week or two, I've been able to really see my shirt move when he kicks. I was also able to get it on video this week :)
Cravings? Not a whole ton. At the beginning of this pregnancy I NEEDED Outback's Bloomin' Onions weekly. Kind of glad that's over, though I kind of want one now that I'm thinking about it again hehe. I've been VERY into chocolate in the last couple of weeks. I think that's my biggest craving at the moment, though it's not for anything real specific. Hopefully I passed the glucose test I took on Wednesday!
Preparations? I got some hangers to hang up some of the baby clothes we have, and quickly realized I need more, especially if we get any clothes as gifts at the baby showers haha! We already painted the nursery and have the crib and dresser set up, as well as the glider. I think the next step is taking a trip to Ikea to buy a bookshelf so we can get the books organized instead of in a few piles on the floor. I also need to come up with some more artwork and cute things to do around the room. One step at a time :) Oh and I'm also trying to learn to crochet again. I'm determined to make this little boy a blanket!
Baby? Baby is great! I can finally relax a bit now that he is viable to survive outside the womb, though we definitely want him to stay in until April if at all possible. He also officially has a name - Hugo Christopher! This was our announcement on facebook yesterday:
Hugo means "bright in mind and spirit". Knowing us, you know we wanted a subtle Disney name, which it is - the gargoyles in Hunchback are named Victor and Hugo, after Victor Hugo - so it's literary, too.
Christopher is in honor of my little brother, who as many of you know, passed away the day after he was born. I've always wanted to have my future little boy's middle name be Christopher, so I was lucky that James was on board with that. Technically it's also a Disney name, too, with Christopher Robin!
I guess that's all for now :) Happy New Year!
How far along? 25 weeks (and 2 days, technically)
Total weight gain? So I have finally gained some weight after losing 4-5 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy. Now I'm officially up almost 3.
Sleep? My snoogle (pregnancy pillow) is still my best friend. And I discovered a small squishy pillow I had at my parents' house when we were there for Christmas, which fits perfectly under my bump and since it's filled with little pellet type things, they shift to perfectly support the bump. It's a keeper!
Movement? Lots! Baby's definitely moving around and practicing breathing, which gives him hiccups almost every day. Such cool feelings. Over the past week or two, I've been able to really see my shirt move when he kicks. I was also able to get it on video this week :)
Cravings? Not a whole ton. At the beginning of this pregnancy I NEEDED Outback's Bloomin' Onions weekly. Kind of glad that's over, though I kind of want one now that I'm thinking about it again hehe. I've been VERY into chocolate in the last couple of weeks. I think that's my biggest craving at the moment, though it's not for anything real specific. Hopefully I passed the glucose test I took on Wednesday!
Preparations? I got some hangers to hang up some of the baby clothes we have, and quickly realized I need more, especially if we get any clothes as gifts at the baby showers haha! We already painted the nursery and have the crib and dresser set up, as well as the glider. I think the next step is taking a trip to Ikea to buy a bookshelf so we can get the books organized instead of in a few piles on the floor. I also need to come up with some more artwork and cute things to do around the room. One step at a time :) Oh and I'm also trying to learn to crochet again. I'm determined to make this little boy a blanket!
Baby? Baby is great! I can finally relax a bit now that he is viable to survive outside the womb, though we definitely want him to stay in until April if at all possible. He also officially has a name - Hugo Christopher! This was our announcement on facebook yesterday:
Christopher is in honor of my little brother, who as many of you know, passed away the day after he was born. I've always wanted to have my future little boy's middle name be Christopher, so I was lucky that James was on board with that. Technically it's also a Disney name, too, with Christopher Robin!
I guess that's all for now :) Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
milestone after milestone...
I've been meaning to start this blog for a while. Since the positive pregnancy test, actually. But I never could quite figure out what to say.
If you don't know, this is my second pregnancy, my "rainbow pregnancy". We lost our first baby, a girl, at 1:59am on May 5th, 2014. I had bled heavily for over a month during that pregnancy, and though we knew something was not quite right, every ultrasound looked perfect, and most importantly, she was healthy. I went to countless doctors' appointments, went on bed rest for 2.5 weeks, and the bleeding slowed down significantly. I thought we could hold on until at least "viability week" - 24 weeks. When I reached 22 weeks, 3 days, I started having contractions. I thought they were Braxton Hicks, but I quickly learned they weren't when they got closer and closer together, so we went to the hospital. They admitted me after seeing I was dilated 4 centimeters, and we hoped that I would just be put on hospital bed rest until the baby was viable at at least 24 weeks, only a week and a half away. Unfortunately, two days later, my contractions picked up again and were very intense. When they offered me an epidural, I knew what was going to happen. Long story short, our baby girl was born too soon, at 22 weeks 6 days gestation. She was 11.5 inches long, weighed 1 pound 6.93 ounces, and was absolutely perfect. But she was too young to survive. I'm thankful that the moment she was born we knew the reason that it all happened - I had a full placental abruption. My placenta must have not attached right at the beginning, and was slowly separating from the uterine wall, causing that bleeding. They can't see it in the ultrasounds until it is more than 25% detached, and at that point I would have been having horrible contractions anyway.
We named our daughter Angel Belle, because she was already an angel when we met her, and she was the most beautiful little girl we've ever seen.
Though the grief process was intense and is still ongoing, we immediately knew we wanted to try again. We waited for one full cycle after I got my first postpartum period, and amazingly, I was pregnant again on the first try. I got my "big fat positive" on August 4th, the day before our 3 month loss anniversary. I was immediately elated, and surprised that I felt only a little bit of fear. I was convinced things would be better this time, and that we could have a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.
Our due date with Angel Belle passed on September 2nd. It was my original goal to be pregnant by that day, as I thought it would make it easier on myself. I think it did, as we were able to be hopeful, but it was still a very sad day. Thankfully, the little white butterflies Angel Belle sends us followed us everywhere.
The one thing I really was afraid of was that this baby would be a boy. It sounds horrible, I know, and I never want him to read this and think that I did not want him, because I would give anything for a healthy baby of either gender, and I know I will love him more than anything. But I had already lost my girl, and I wasn't prepared to lose my dreams of having a girl first. I think part of the reason I was so afraid is because I knew from the start that it was a boy, and I just didn't want to believe it. I wasn't ready to pack up the girl clothes we had bought, and I'm still not ready to completely take them out of the baby's room. I still have not fully accepted it, but I know I cannot change anything. I'm so thankful and lucky to have this baby growing inside me so soon after his sister, and I know it's part of the grief process, but I feel bad when I have some sadness over it still. I know my feelings will change immediately when he is placed in my arms for the first time, though.
Now to the reason I actually sat down to write this today. Today I am 22 weeks 6 days pregnant with our rainbow baby. When I made my 22 week chalkboard for our weekly bump photo last week, I felt a little anxious. Last time, I made a 22 week chalkboard and it sat untouched in the baby's room for almost 5 months. This pregnancy has been completely different, though, some things I believe because it's a boy (my body really is into the traditional old wives' tales for each gender), and some things because hopefully my placenta is perfectly attached this time. I knew this week would be hard, but for the most part I've been fine. But this morning the sadness hit me hard. I should have a baby girl in my arms right now. She would be smiling and giggling and working on rolling over. We should be preparing for her first Christmas, like so many of my friends are doing this year. We should have taken her to see Santa this month, and picked out the perfect "Baby's First Christmas" ornament for the tree. We shouldn't have to know the worst emotional pain in the entire world. I wouldn't wish this pain and grief on my worst enemy. I wish I didn't constantly feel like part of my heart is missing, and I wish that the question "Is this your first baby?" didn't cut like a knife. I didn't realize that I would miss her more every day, and though she occasionally will give me a sign that she's with me, I wish I could say it was enough.
I didn't think today would be so sad for me. I thought it would be easier to be happy that I've passed this milestone, and that I'm one step closer to the baby's viability. Hopefully I'm just getting the tears out of the way this morning so I can be happy now. I'll just be here counting the days until April...
If you don't know, this is my second pregnancy, my "rainbow pregnancy". We lost our first baby, a girl, at 1:59am on May 5th, 2014. I had bled heavily for over a month during that pregnancy, and though we knew something was not quite right, every ultrasound looked perfect, and most importantly, she was healthy. I went to countless doctors' appointments, went on bed rest for 2.5 weeks, and the bleeding slowed down significantly. I thought we could hold on until at least "viability week" - 24 weeks. When I reached 22 weeks, 3 days, I started having contractions. I thought they were Braxton Hicks, but I quickly learned they weren't when they got closer and closer together, so we went to the hospital. They admitted me after seeing I was dilated 4 centimeters, and we hoped that I would just be put on hospital bed rest until the baby was viable at at least 24 weeks, only a week and a half away. Unfortunately, two days later, my contractions picked up again and were very intense. When they offered me an epidural, I knew what was going to happen. Long story short, our baby girl was born too soon, at 22 weeks 6 days gestation. She was 11.5 inches long, weighed 1 pound 6.93 ounces, and was absolutely perfect. But she was too young to survive. I'm thankful that the moment she was born we knew the reason that it all happened - I had a full placental abruption. My placenta must have not attached right at the beginning, and was slowly separating from the uterine wall, causing that bleeding. They can't see it in the ultrasounds until it is more than 25% detached, and at that point I would have been having horrible contractions anyway.
We named our daughter Angel Belle, because she was already an angel when we met her, and she was the most beautiful little girl we've ever seen.
Though the grief process was intense and is still ongoing, we immediately knew we wanted to try again. We waited for one full cycle after I got my first postpartum period, and amazingly, I was pregnant again on the first try. I got my "big fat positive" on August 4th, the day before our 3 month loss anniversary. I was immediately elated, and surprised that I felt only a little bit of fear. I was convinced things would be better this time, and that we could have a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.
Our due date with Angel Belle passed on September 2nd. It was my original goal to be pregnant by that day, as I thought it would make it easier on myself. I think it did, as we were able to be hopeful, but it was still a very sad day. Thankfully, the little white butterflies Angel Belle sends us followed us everywhere.
The one thing I really was afraid of was that this baby would be a boy. It sounds horrible, I know, and I never want him to read this and think that I did not want him, because I would give anything for a healthy baby of either gender, and I know I will love him more than anything. But I had already lost my girl, and I wasn't prepared to lose my dreams of having a girl first. I think part of the reason I was so afraid is because I knew from the start that it was a boy, and I just didn't want to believe it. I wasn't ready to pack up the girl clothes we had bought, and I'm still not ready to completely take them out of the baby's room. I still have not fully accepted it, but I know I cannot change anything. I'm so thankful and lucky to have this baby growing inside me so soon after his sister, and I know it's part of the grief process, but I feel bad when I have some sadness over it still. I know my feelings will change immediately when he is placed in my arms for the first time, though.
Now to the reason I actually sat down to write this today. Today I am 22 weeks 6 days pregnant with our rainbow baby. When I made my 22 week chalkboard for our weekly bump photo last week, I felt a little anxious. Last time, I made a 22 week chalkboard and it sat untouched in the baby's room for almost 5 months. This pregnancy has been completely different, though, some things I believe because it's a boy (my body really is into the traditional old wives' tales for each gender), and some things because hopefully my placenta is perfectly attached this time. I knew this week would be hard, but for the most part I've been fine. But this morning the sadness hit me hard. I should have a baby girl in my arms right now. She would be smiling and giggling and working on rolling over. We should be preparing for her first Christmas, like so many of my friends are doing this year. We should have taken her to see Santa this month, and picked out the perfect "Baby's First Christmas" ornament for the tree. We shouldn't have to know the worst emotional pain in the entire world. I wouldn't wish this pain and grief on my worst enemy. I wish I didn't constantly feel like part of my heart is missing, and I wish that the question "Is this your first baby?" didn't cut like a knife. I didn't realize that I would miss her more every day, and though she occasionally will give me a sign that she's with me, I wish I could say it was enough.
I didn't think today would be so sad for me. I thought it would be easier to be happy that I've passed this milestone, and that I'm one step closer to the baby's viability. Hopefully I'm just getting the tears out of the way this morning so I can be happy now. I'll just be here counting the days until April...
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